There are moments that just leave us gasping. A diagnosis or death, a layoff, a breakup. Moments that make you want to sit down, breathless, as if you’ve been running a while, even though you haven’t. And the younger sibling of those moments, not quite as intense, but unsettling: an argument with your partner, news your best friend is moving away, waving goodbye as you leave your child at college.
All of these moments can leave us feeling untethered, flailing, like we are caught in a whirlwind.
We are, all of us, going to be affected, maybe permanently, by those moments, and we intuitively know it; feeling, thinking beings that love and care are going to hurt. How do we care for our flailing selves in those moments?
In the age of the internet, self-care has come to seem like a competitive sport – who can create the most luxurious bath? How many candles and flowers can I surround myself with? What destination is most exotic/enticing/extravagant?
Might it be one of those things that brings ease? Sure. Maybe. The goal is not to give you something else to do or plan or accomplish during your moments of dis-ease; the hope is to engage in an activity that reminds you of who you are. Likely, those activities are at your fingertips now, without the need for resources or frequent flyer miles. Those steadying, simple activities that pull you from whipping around at the top of the tree during a storm to the trunk, a portion of the tree that is both flexible and sturdy – things like weeding the garden, taking a walk in the woods, cooking, playing fetch with your dog, picking up your guitar.
We are commonly tempted to see “rest” as being horizontal - watching something or sleeping. There is time and need for that; and, frequently, we are not rested after those activities. Resting, restoration, nourishment, is often the result of activity that brings us – gently, by the hand – to the present moment, allowing a brief respite from thoughts and feelings about the past awfulness or the future fears.
In moments of great distress, it is difficult to discover what activities are steadying; before those moments is when we learn what helps us to feel at home in ourselves. What things do you do now that bring ease, internal quiet, a sense of forgetfulness about the distresses in your days? Notice those, make note of those. Having a variety of options allows you more flexibility – don’t have time to cook something? Then maybe a 15-minute walk will do.
These activities will not take away an undesired feeling state; the intention is to care for the being that is in an undesirable feeling state, to nurture that being, so that she can continue even after the storm has passed.
This writing addresses some of the core components of ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy), including:
Attention – noticing, like an observer, your own feeling state(s) and thinking.
Present Moment Practice – being fully in and with yourself and your surroundings as they are in this very moment.
Values clarification – understanding what you love and want to connect with more.
If you’d like to learn more about how these practices can guide you in your living, please feel free to get in touch.
